When I go to the grocery store and look at expiration dates on the food I'm about to buy (yup...I'm the crazy lady in Costco disassembling all of the top crates of organic spinach leaves to get to the bottom, just to get a later expiration of about 2 days), and it says something like June 1 or June 5 . I think...Oh, that's plenty of time. Then, I realize...wait, that's next week.
Then...I get excited! Being 31Weeks along doesn't seem very far to me...but only having a couple of months left seems like it will happen soon...especially with how busy I've been and how fast these months have seemed to go.
Time (or our perception of the time we have) is a relative kind of thing...and right now, I'm feeling busy with childbirth classes, bible studies, fun church planting stuff, and just trying to get my life and home in order so that I'll survive a little better when the little guy comes. When I do have time without other things in my brain (doesn't happen often), I find myself a little freaked out thinking about how things could wind up going.
Our little Augustine (Yup...I think we've landed on the name!) could be like our little Gwendolyn. PLEASE GOD, NO!
The nursing could go terrible...he could be really hungry...I could be extremely depressed and unable to eat or sleep...Gwendolyn could decide to break out anything she might be hiding of her personality (scary).
I think it's the nursing that is the most unsettling. But, that's why I have good friends...and that keeps me very hopeful. Half the battle is the encouragement and the help to be able to see further down the line than in the difficult moment.
Here are the things that are so fun to think about and get me really excited:
- Holding my BABY BOY (and the birth being OVER)
- The beautiful bassinet I am borrowing from Mandy Newman
- Giving Gwendolyn the Barney Doll and baby stroller we got her for when Augustine steals the spotlight
- Hanging out in the house with my husband, with no external commitments!
- Other people cooking dinner
- Seeing how Gwen reacts to her little brother
- Another chance at a newborn (could be redeeming...or NOT)
Have I mentioned that my worst fear is having a normal birth, like everyone else. Yeah, I don't want that : ).
Also, please pray for my selfish and impatient ways. I have been reminded so much, lately, how much of a selfish parent I really am. I don't say this for sympathy or to be re-assured of my wonderfulness...I am really very selfish. I don't like Gwendolyn's crying and screaming. I want to do things on my own time. I want to play on the computer and paint walls and organize things. I want to put myself first. I don't want to be self-sacrificial. I want to be selfish and I get angry and annoyed when I have to give myself to my little Gwendolyn and care for her emotional and physical needs.
I'm sorry, but that's just how it is...so, yeah, I need prayer! But, I have no doubt I will continue to grow in this area and begin to feel more blessed in parental sacrifice. But, I'm not like my mom. It was natural for her...for me, it is an absolute "area of growth."
And, it's about to become even more of an issue, with the arrival of our Augustine...but, BRING IT ON...especially since there's no getting around it : ).