This Abundant Life

This Abundant Life
"I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." - John 10:10

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Winding Road to PEACE

- There has been much going on around here. My fussy Gwendolyn has always been a great nurser. That was on my list of Things to be Thankful For...even though she screams a lot. And, after 2 months of severe nipple pain, I started to feel like we really had this thing figured out. I even found myself, at times, not worrying about my milk.

- I though, "Oh good. At least there is ONE constant. I know that every time she wakes up, she will nurse...more often in the evening and also if we are out and she is very upset...but we've got a good thing going, at least with this." It was giving me a little security.

- Well, during this last week, she has become very upset and angry when she nurses. She is fine at the beginning when the milk is coming quickly, but after a couple of minutes she keeps pulling off and moving all around. This weekend she added crying and whaling to the occasion. I was sure that I had been eating something terrible for her and that her little body was in agony. I decided to give her formula for a day and it was such a great day. We've had days (or, half days) like this before and it's such a breath of fresh air. But, as soon as I went back to nursing the same thing would happen all over again. Then, I began to think that she was actually hungry and there could be a supply problem.

- By the end of Sunday night I was faced with the possibility that something could be terribly wrong with her or that she may not want to nurse anymore and the one thing I felt we had going for us would be taken away.
- Again, I felt so alone and so afraid. It's been a theme since she has been born. I felt devastated about the nursing and freaked out about some even worse fate. My fear led me to either lose what is left of my weary mind or LET GO. For a few hours I was pretty sure I was just gonna go for the first one, but I realized that I am pretty much cashed out and I wasn't sure I would make it through another break-down. So, I did the unthinkable...I got my bible out and I read, in Romans, about how there is "no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" and how "those who live according to the Spirit, set their minds on things of the Spirit" and "to set the mind on things of the Spirit is life and peace." Well, I want life and peace.

- I've been realizing a lot, lately, that I keep searching for something, anything, that I can count on to be a certain way. I just want some consistency and I want to have something figured out. But, I DO have that. THE LORD never changes, He is the same...yesterday, today and forever. It is in HIM that my hope does truly lie.

- I don't think that I will stop longing for consistency in my life. But, I have faith that the Lord will show me where to look for it a little better. I can see myself at the beginning of this process. It's hard and it makes me want to cry, sometimes without any notice. But, that's okay.

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