Friday, December 12, 2008
It's Discouraging to Feel Discouraged
I feel discouraged because I'm having a hard time putting away the picture I imagined and embracing the reality of how things actually are. It's true that I have a beautiful, healthy baby. Praise be to God!
I feel silly for saying it, but I want more. I want to sit in the evenings with my family (my husband and my non-screaming baby) and I want to enjoy them. I want to take walks on the weekend and hang out on our new patio. I want the romance.
My actual life looks a lot different. I spend each day with little bi-polar baby who screams loud, intense screams when she's tired...which is all the time, since she hates to sleep. Her beautiful smile makes me melt, then she follows it with a cry that makes me sure that all of the following are true: my milk supply is insufficient, her medicine is not helping her heartburn, I'm eating something bad for her, she's exhausted, she's not being played with enough, etc., etc.
My husband comes home from work, eats, and then studies all night and all weekend (for the CPA exams). When he does try and hang out with the baby, she cries and wines and we embark on an evening of trying to calm and care for her (second-guessing ourselves the entire time).
I miss him and I miss knowing what's going to happen next. I feel really bad for my husband b/c he has no free time and a demanding series of tests. And, I feel really bad for me because I don't get all his attention. I very much want to cling to this moment in time and relish the good and learn from the bad. It's just harder than I wish it was. My mind knows that that even these days are purposefully and carefully carved out for me by my Lord. But, my heart keeps crying, "I don't want it to be like this anymore!"