I feel discouraged because I'm having a hard time putting away the picture I imagined and embracing the reality of how things actually are. It's true that I have a beautiful, healthy baby. Praise be to God!
I feel silly for saying it, but I want more. I want to sit in the evenings with my family (my husband and my non-screaming baby) and I want to enjoy them. I want to take walks on the weekend and hang out on our new patio. I want the romance.
My actual life looks a lot different. I spend each day with little bi-polar baby who screams loud, intense screams when she's tired...which is all the time, since she hates to sleep. Her beautiful smile makes me melt, then she follows it with a cry that makes me sure that all of the following are true: my milk supply is insufficient, her medicine is not helping her heartburn, I'm eating something bad for her, she's exhausted, she's not being played with enough, etc., etc.
My husband comes home from work, eats, and then studies all night and all weekend (for the CPA exams). When he does try and hang out with the baby, she cries and wines and we embark on an evening of trying to calm and care for her (second-guessing ourselves the entire time).
I miss him and I miss knowing what's going to happen next. I feel really bad for my husband b/c he has no free time and a demanding series of tests. And, I feel really bad for me because I don't get all his attention. I very much want to cling to this moment in time and relish the good and learn from the bad. It's just harder than I wish it was. My mind knows that that even these days are purposefully and carefully carved out for me by my Lord. But, my heart keeps crying, "I don't want it to be like this anymore!"
5 comments:
Oh, Jenn, I love you and feel for you and know that you are not alone...it does get better and it can get worse...I have cried a good amount of today and this week over my eldest child, but praise the Lord for His grace! I hope He dishes you an extra helping of His grace today! And remember that his word promises that his power is made perfect in our weakness. I am learning that nothing brings out more weaknesses than motherhood!
I love you!
Fresh motherhood/Sweet insanity....Weathered motherhood/ Watching the fresh ones, as if from out of my body..Wistfully, with love and admiration, for what is now YOUR turn to do!!
Girl...I TOTALLY know what you are going through...I DID NOT enjoy Brody at that age (shh...don't tell the "bad mom police"!!) Scott had just started his residency and was NEVER HOME! Hang in there...it's gets soooo much better!!
I'm so glad you wrote this! Yes, mothering is maddening...and the cries/screams can really get to you. thanks so much for sharing honestly and God does provide the strength to make it through! Hang in there and look for even the smallest glimpses of His glory!
shear honesty...refreshing!! i am praying for you, sweet friend!
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